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The Human Spirit
Earlier this year I was riding my bike at moderate speed on my way to meet a friend for breakfast. Out of what seemed no where, a man on a bike impatiently driving in the opposite lane towards me, over took the car in front of him and headed straight towards me. He was not backing off as he came closer. I swerved to avoid him, perhaps a little late. The moments that followed shortly after are still a little bit of a blur. All I know is that I lost control in this swerve. I flew 2 feet up in the air and landed on the road on the side of my right face - SLAM. I then skidded and slammed my face again onto his now stationary bike and hit the right side of my face again on his bike guard- SMACK. He sped off. And I lay there bleeding. I think I was out at this point, and felt myself being dragged off the road by my leg by someone so I would not be run over. This someone turned out to be a nice man called Mohammed.
I am not sure how long I lay there for but I don't think it was long. I felt a serge of adrenaline fire through my body and I bolted upright and straight onto my feet, shocked faces all around. Blood pouring. I calmly said: "Give me my phone" I kept saying "phone, phone, phone, phone" until someone passed it to me. It was a few feet away and must have fallen out of my bag. My immediate reaction was to call this friend of mine as I was not going to go to any Indian hospital with any of the million Indians that were now standing all around me in horror. I knew this was the right reaction. I told my friend I was in an accident, my rough location and then fell back onto the ground, now shaking in shock. No pain yet, just complete shock at the amount of blood pouring from my face.
I was taken to the nearest hospital, seen too, as I rebelled and fought a little with the nurses and doctors that were trying to clean me up. Pain was starting now but I was agitated and confused and every time they touched me I wanted to hit them, because the pain was something I had never experienced before. I didn't whimper or cry, I suppose I still had a vast amount of survival adrenaline pumping through my body. I am also the worst patient. This I know, in somewhat denial as to what happened and just wanting to stand up and walk away as if nothing had happened.
As we left the hospital, and, as things started to fall into place, as the shock wore off, I was in disbelief and pain. I had not yet seen properly what I looked like nor did I really know the injuries I sustained. These injuries included a chipped, bruised, and battered right hip, whip lash, a sprained back and worst of all, a haematoma on the right side of my face.
The next few hours were filled with mixed emotions more of shock than anything else. I was lucky to have four friends in particular who were with me the entire time, one stayed over for the next few days as he nursed me back to semi normalcy. Feeding me, loving me, helping me get dressed and just generally being there as I woke from nightmares in the middle of the night.
As the days progressed, and still unable to look at myself, I began to surrender to the pain. I also began a very drastic healing process. I kept telling myself it was over. I kept telling myself I was healed. This I believe is why I am healing as fast as I am, that and the fact that I have been given an abundance of love by those few who have been diligently by my side, through the really bad moments and the good. I went from drinking with a straw, unable to speak properly, to eating pureed food, to slowly opening my mouth then eating solids and half smiling again (even though it hurts like nothing ever before). Love has been the healing factor in getting back to myself, that and the unbelievable strength I have found within me. MY HUMAN SPIRIT.
It is amazing how much of ourselves that we use to identify ourself with by the way we look and by the way others perceive us. When one strips this away, suddenly with no choice whatsoever, we are left with our soul only, the Atman. I found something very powerful in me, a determination I never thought I had, a positive way of looking at the situation, for let's face it, it could have been far worse. I may not be writing this piece at all.
I also learnt 8 days later, why it happened. I do not believe in accidents. Only coincidence and reasons for why things happen. The Universe was sending me a very loud and clear message. To slow down, but more importantly, for me to be able to surrender to things beyond my control, AND to accept. It also was teaching me the simple art of loving myself with everything that I am and to focus on ME. I have spent far too much time focusing on others and now I was being taught a very valuable lesson. The preciousness of life and all that I have. This has been my YOGA. It has certainly cleansed some karma. I am wide awake and embracing life. A very humbling experience.
It is true that pain is growth. In whatever shape, dimension or aspect it comes into in our lives. The human spirit is built on survival and getting over things. I have not dwelled. I have had no anger at that man, it is his karma and mine that were interlaced in that very moment. I have seen how incredibly strong I am inwards. I knew I had strength, but I did not know to what level until now.
Through all the gasps from people as they see me walking down the street (sometimes hobbling), I have lifted my head up and smiled (however I can) back. Not to have sympathy for me and not to dwell. Sure, there were moments where I wanted to kick and scream at them and stop them from asking me what happened, for I did not want to relive it at all as I felt it would stop me in my healing process, but, this was also a lesson to be learned. To just embrace their own natural human instinct for care and concern.
I have also learnt to cut out the rubbish from my life, in times like this one really knows who cares and who is just of the superficial caring level - I will try not judge. I had calls from all over the world: From Bali to Argentina, but I also know who to put more energy into and what to put more energy into.
And so as I wake up everyday, a new face everyday, as bruises, scars swellings and pains shift and change, I am grateful to be alive, and to really give this year everything that I am with sincerity, I thank God for giving me the strength to really open my heart. And to just accept this circumstance. As new injuries come about with every waking day following the crash, I try to say "oh well" a minute at a time. I have no choice but to be positive. I am determined to be 100% again, however long it takes. And, even though my body sometimes screams in pain, I am now on my mat. Just like I said I would be. In the exact time frame I said I would be. Slowly, slowly. Doing what ever I can, under the loving attention and compassion of my teacher. It will be some time (or maybe not) before I am practicing the way I was. And, after some time, I will get back on a bike. I do not want to live my life in fear. Its far too great for that nonsense.
Tiana Harilela
Reprinted with permission from Namaskar.
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